"I've made a lot of sacrifices, a lot of hard choices; for honor, for King, for country. You wanna know what I've learned, boy? Hard choices and sacrifices do not keep you warm at night. Life is too damn short and too damn long to go through without someone at your side. Don't end up like me. Choose the woman. Fight for love, D'Artagnan. France will take care of itself."  ~Athos (The Three Musketeers) 

Perhaps it is because I have never been chosen that I love this line...  Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on being truly loved -- I can only be who I am, after all.  I merely confess that it hasn't happened thus far. Still, in my inner-most self it is my most sacred desire. I believe in love. I still hold out hope that it will find me. But it is love that I believe in... not it's self-serving imitations.  Love is not distraction, it is fortitude. Love does not weaken but empowers & shields. Love is the only thing in this world worth the effort of living & I will not give up because I've been wounded a time or two in my search for it. After all, little worth having comes easy...

Song~

I love transcendent things...

Sunrise/sunset has always mystified me.  It's so temporal, never lasting for more than a few minutes, yet it is infinite & transcendant...  They are precise opposites...  yet, they are practically identical and perfectly matched...  An obvious paradox in all ways... except... not...


I love the way a sunrise/sunset pulls me out of myself and forces me to face how small and insignificant I really am in the end and still draws me in and includes me in its magnificence... 

To be a woman...

You know, we're really not THAT complicated.  Underneath it all what a girl really wants is to know that she is all the woman her man ever needs or wants -- that her man values her & realizes he is not, in fact, better off alone or with another.

The creation story in Genesis says that God looked upon Adam & said "It is not good that man should be alone." <~~ SEE!  Right there, it is not good to be alone...  So He formed woman from Adam's rib to be a help-meet as one that walks with him & stands by his side.  That is how it was intended.  Neither of them of them standing on the other & neither of them hiding behind the other but standing side by side!

I take particular notice of the function of a rib -- cuz, I'm just symbolic enough to find it significant that the creation story says woman started as a rib, not as an arm or foot or finger.

Any decent A&P student will tell you that structure follows function.  It is often mentioned at marriage seminars & such that ribs are close to the heart of man.  This is true but it is so because of the particular function of a rib.  A rib PROTECTS the heart of man, it's proximity to the heart is necessary to perform it's function.  Further, it forms the shape needed for respiration & allows the lungs to expand & contract for breath all WHILE protecting vital organs.  THIS is what a woman began as...  this is what we are meant to be...  and, I find it significant that, when forming woman, God left 12 ribs inside Adams chest & removed only 1 that gets to walk by his side.

Sing...

Ok, so I confess it...  I've been feeling a little sorry for myself the past little bit.  I look around me & wonder when this cloak of invisibility landed on my shoulders & why I can't take it off.  Understand, I don't care what strangers think of me; but I care a great deal about what the people that matter to me think of me... I want them to see me & I want to matter to them.  This is not unique.  Many are exactly the same.  The rest are the opposite of that; they care about what strangers think & disregard the people they claim to care for.  But I get off track...  The point is that I want to matter to the people I care about & I rarely feel that I do.

But more than I want to be seen -- way more than I want to be seen -- I want to be heard.  I remember even when I was very small saying a thing to someone only to have them hear something completely contrary to the thing I said or the intent with which I said it.  Even in written form when there is definitive proof of what was said  strangers & soul-mates alike perceive the opposite meaning.  It has been a puzzlement that has plagued me and forced me to become painfully forthright & articulate & still it continues to happen.

It would be easy to fall into a pattern of hopelessness & just give up at trying to connect & communicate with others... but, well, it is simply not within me to give up.  So I continue in what has become my habit of forthright & articulate then I cry when I am still misunderstood because I have no control over another's perception & the alternative is silence & invisibility.

This past Friday morning I was trying to get my van out of a quagmire that used to be part of my driveway & I was letting loose on Yahweh, and I do mean I was letting Him have it!  Not about the van, oh, no, I had gotten WAAAAAAY past that & as is often His way He simply listened to me rant until He finally wearied of it & spoke; it was quiet but firm...  "Sing"

Ha!  Sing?!  Really?!  I've been singing for as long as I can remember.  It hasn't made a difference & I haven't even sought out a venue since my divorce was finalized over a year ago & at this point my practice time has become practically non-existent.

"Sing"

Why?  I don't feel like it!  I feel small & impotent & invisible & I'm angry!

"Sing"

FINE!  I don't even remember what I sang, I just did...  but you can bet it was no praise song!  I raged.  Then He yelled back "There you are Rachel.  There is your voice that you have been yelling at me over.  You are never invisible & never ignored & very rarely misunderstood when you sing.  THIS is your voice!  THIS is your connection!  THIS is your power!"

Understand something; I have always known I become transparent when I sing.  I can act & dance & perform like I was born on a stage... but there is none of that when I sing, there is simply me -- laid bare.  Even still, I didn't realized that the very thing that makes me transparent also strips the cloak of invisibility from me & makes me truly heard.  But I turn around to look & in retrospect I know it to be true.

So, just like that it seems the tools of empowerment are within my grasp again...  still...

Bring on 2012

Welp, it's New Year's Eve.  The thing to do, according to what I am seeing out there, is to take stock of 2011 and decide on our goals for 2012...  right?

I can say that 2011 was among the best I've seen in my 39years...  it was without a doubt one of the darkest,  loneliest & most difficult.  2011 was a year of adjustment & restlessness... but I emerged and stood in who I am regardless.

So what about 2012?  Time to make some resolutions?  Okie dokie, let's see what we've got...

First, I will hold my children when they ask it & when if they don't ask it often I will ask them.  We need each other. Our days are busy & frustrations never cease but we stay connected to each other and this is of utmost importance.

Second, as I watch the emerging talents of my children & speak into them I will look for places to stretch their abilities.  It has been a tight year, I have not been able to provide them with voice or dance lessons... but I must feed there passions somehow... I must find a way...

Third, I will sing this year... I did not sing publicly at all this past year as I reveled in a bit of anonymity that I honestly have never had in any community I've been a part of.  Everyone knows me as the bellydancer mother of 5, but I was not allowed to dance growing up so singing was my first real outlet for the immensity of emotion I harbor in this tender little heart of mine & it will always be my 1st love.  I have been on a quest to rediscover myself & I have never been able to hide when I sing...  my very soul is laid bare...  My children need my voice.  I will sing.

Lastly, I will know who my friends are and allow the toxic people in my life to walk away.  Those "friends" that I only hear from when they want something.  Those that will imagine insult where there is none.  Those that would judge me for not choosing a path that they think I should walk.  *This one was on my list last year & will be again next year*

Only 4?  Well, ya...  cuz I made an amazing discovery in 2011...  I really LIKE who I am! I like who I am becoming and ya know, I like who I've been! Shoot, I even like what I look like! That may sound condescending or arrogant & ya, I've been accused of that recently, but I don't care! I LIKE that I know stuff! I LIKE that I challenge the things that fly out of peoples mouths! I LIKE that I can be irreverent! And... I LOVE that I am sensitive & tender-hearted!!! I no longer consider it weakness!!! It is my GREATEST STRENGTH!!!

Happy New Years everyone but don't forget that EVERY day, every BREATH is a new beginning!!! Rachel~

Bring on 2012!!!

Strider is a bad word in my world...

BoyBaby woke up with a croupy cough around 11 or so last night.  Crying makes the strider worse, bless his heart.  He scares me when he gets like this. I sat up & held him til 3 or so when his breathing finally started sounding normal again.  Today has required quite a bit of coffee...

Who I Am

So here it is... my name, Rachel, is of Hebrew origin meaning "Lamb."  Sweet, I know...  except that it also means "gift of God" thereby alluding to the connotation...  in Hebrew history, the cost of redemption was a lamb...  it was the sacrifice.

My initial intent was to dive into this thought farther but for some reason I am suddenly constrained...  Perhaps because I talked much of this through with 1 of my child-hood friends over the phone last week...  Perhaps I simply think it self-evident...  Perhaps a little of both...

Suffice it to say that I am making peace with who I am and that I no longer despise my compulsion to give myself to those whose friendship turns to resentment after I walk with them through tumult.  There are times when I have less to give than others -- such is the way of life, sometimes we are small and other times mighty.  Regardless, I keep open my heart and what I have/am I give.  I can no more choose to NOT to give myself than I can choose to not freckle in the sun.  I am still that girl who, without question, gives her warmest blanket to the boy she knows she'll never see again that found the room he thought he had secured at school was given away.  I simply don't know how to NOT be that girl and I am finding that she is more rare than I realized.

In the midst of my musings, I really can not fail to mention that now & then someone comes along that chooses to stay even if it costs them a great deal and even if I could lift easily out of their life.  Those individuals are few but they make the journey of life joyous and they remind me of who I am and who I was meant to be and who I can finally say that I CHOOSE to be...  My name is Rachel...  Song of Incense is who I am...

For what it's worth...

We had a saying at Bress Pawn when I worked there & someone would come in asking to pawn their jewelry for extremely high prices "It's only worth what someone will pay for it."  I believe this principle to be true in all areas of life: particularly relationships.  One must understand that we engage in relationships constantly.  Some of these are fleeting, like the guy driving the car we just passed or the security guard at city hall; others matter.  There is a cost to everything...  there is a price and often we don't know the cost others pay to keep us in their lives.  


Earlier I mentioned that I tend to choose my friendships by active, conscious decision.  Once I've made that decision, I'm all in.  There are a few friends that know how fiercely loyal I can be and how tenaciously I can love...  Many tend to think this is easy, that it is just a personality trait; that would suggest there is no cost involved therefore no worth.  That is qualitatively untrue.  Everything has a cost...  that one can put on a smile & hide a price tag does not negate this truth. 


So...  what, then, IS the cost of love?  Of friendship?  For me, the cost is myself... 


My inclination is to qualify that statement with the how's & why's, however, I realize that will change from person to person so will let it stand bereft of apology...  The cost of love & friendship is self.


Ok, so here is where I start pulling it all together...  we have been talking about the power of my name over my life, remember? ☺

Watch them walk

So here I am standing, for the most part, alone.  Very few of the friends I actively chose are still with me...  In fact, can count those remaining on 1 hand even tho I have walked through fire with many.

A few years ago I watched someone very dear to me that I had stood by during circumstances she wasn't even aware existed choose to walk away from me over imagined insult.  I sought to mend our friendship & found myself openly, publicly shunned.  Heartbroken, I sat on my couch 1 afternoon & prayed 1 of those prayers...  you know, the type "What did I do?  Why so much animosity?  Do I really have to do this?"  During that conversation I felt God's voice say simply "It is enough."  In that moment something inside me changed.  A sense of peace as profound as any I've ever felt before came over me & I knew I could let go and watch her walk away.

Since that time I have not been compelled to hold on to anyone that choose to walk away from me... not even the husband that I had chosen to love for life.  It is painful to watch, I admit, but it is no longer exhausting...  

I am unsure why I needed to tell this story.  I believe, though, that it relates to my examination of my name & it's power over my life...  bear with me...  If it fits in then we will get there.

Intercession

So, here I am, pushing 40, suddenly single, raising 5 children, back in school with the help of my mom & sisters...  completely starting over in life...  It breeds more than a small amount of introspection.  I start to examine patterns: not mine only but those of the people with whom I surround myself.  I refuse to regret the woman I have become, I like her... she's strong & determined but refuses to become hard-hearted; still, there is much hurt & disappointment in my story...  I must examine it...

I choose people.  When I make a friend it is an active, conscious decision.  As I gaze back on the people I have chosen I can't help but notice a very sharp lack of presence.  The first thing I do, obviously, is try to remember what happened.  Why aren't the people that I chose & stood by & often even carried through very difficult seasons in their own lives starkly absent from mine now?  The most prevalent answer is that we simply lost touch.  Life changes & evolves, distance makes getting together problematic, it happens & people that were once daily fixtures simply aren't anymore.  But that is not the only reason: there are those that chose to walk away... more than I could have ever guessed in the season of our friendships.

You have to understand, I am a giver.  Not in the typical oh-this-made-me-think-of-you-so-I-got-it-for-you way although that happens.  But in the you-are-having-a-hard-time-so-I'll-see-you-through-it kind of way.  This usually manifests itself in emotional support of one type or another and I've been accused of being an enabler more than once as usually I am standing against small-mindedness or judgement.  You see, I was the runt on the playground that saw the 1 kid out there getting picked on & planted myself between the bully & the victim, even if I didn't know either party.  This meant I often was bullied & ridiculed myself.  Honestly, it never bothered me as long as I was taking it on someone else's behalf, that said, I can not say I've ever been good at standing up for myself... but that is another subject entirely...

Where was I?

Oh, yes... giver... anti-judge... emotional support...  What I choose in my relationships is to stand in the gap...  I choose this not to be a martyr but because I believe people have value & deserve to be genuinely cared about.  I believe the people I care about to be worth fighting for even if it means I take a stand in the midst of my peers or those bigger than I.  I find this so compelling that I have never been able to choose not to do it... I see someone hurting & something inside me is moved & I can feel what they must be feeling.  This is not weakness.  I have come to embrace my empathatic nature as my most ardent strength.

I am also a peace-maker.  Not only amongst my friends but when someone takes issue with me.  I have always been the one to seek out reconciliation, even if I was not at fault, because I absolutely believe people are worth fighting for...  I have never found it difficult to say I am sorry if I at fault nor do I hesitate to try to find common ground when I am not.  Either way, I've always been one to try to find a way to mend a severed friendship.  Remember, I chose my friendships by an active, conscious decision.

Yet, I stand alone now... why?  I have been examining the power of my own name...  I have not gotten off-topic...

My Name Is Rachel

Those who know me for any length of time at all tend to discover early that I have a thing about names. I am of the mindset that a persons name reveals much of who they are. I will not use this post to delve into the means by which I believe that happens; today I am examining my own name & it's influences within my life, of which I am only now, at 39, becoming really aware... Maybe it's therapy, I don't know, but it has been stirring within me for several months & I can't get away from it so I need to put it somewhere. I choose here, in the relative anonymity of my blog-o-sphere...

My name is Rachel...

I grew up, like most young Americans of a Christian upbringing, hearing the story of Jacob & how after meeting a young shepherdess he worked 14yrs for Laban, the father of that shepherdess, Rachel. It seems Jacob's love for the girl was immense & he chose her from the first moment he laid eyes on her but Laban drove a hard bargain & must have recognized how bright a torch Jacob carried for his young daughter for he managed to secure 7yrs of labor from Jacob on the promise of Rachel's hand. We all know the story, right? At the end of the 7yrs Laban gave Leah, Rachel's older sister, to Jacob rather than Rachel. Laban must have been quite proud of himself, knowing he had the upper hand, and managed to convince Jacob to contract for 7yrs more for the hand of Rachel. That's 14yrs... A long time to wait to make the woman he loved his own. What an incredible love story. Right? We also know that the 2 sons born to Jacob by Rachel seemed to be favored above those born to him by Leah & that when Rachel died Jacob mourned her bitterly for the rest of his life... This is what it is to be a Rachel. It is to know the love & loyalty of a man so completely that he would pay extraordinary prices to claim her... I grew up hearing this story & because I shared the name I identified with Rachel. To be a Rachel is to be chosen... right?

Except, I wasn't... ever, really...

I am not the girl that inspires grand romantic gestures like in the story above. Shoot, I'm not the girl that even inspires a romantic dinner. In fact, the only times I've ever even received flowers has been along with apology notes and not the "sorry I couldn't make it" type of apology but the "sorry I slept with your best friend" type. So then, how is it fitting that my name is Rachel? Rachel was chosen and I have never been... Even by those that I had chosen or who by those that claimed to have done so. How do I reconcile the disappointments of where my life has led to my belief that one's name gives key insights into their life and personality? I gave up trying.

A funny thing happens when you stop chasing/searching for a thing. It often finds you.

I've always know that the name Rachel is of Hebrew origin and means lamb. Sweet. Right? Then I took a look at the connotation... that's when it started to get interesting...

Starting Over

Over the next few days I will be starting over with my little blog here... Seems appropriate as I am in the process of starting over with life in general... my name is Rachel... Song of Incense is my identity...

I haven't post here in a long time; life got hectic really -- not that it has calmed down a great deal -- but I am trying to emerge. It's a start...

Another Birthday...

Gosh how they grow!!! Yep, F~ turned 4... I swear, I just brought her home from the hospital and she's more girl now than baby... it goes so fast!

Anyhow, she got up grinning ear to ear knowing it was her day and asking to open her package (great thing about packages sent in the mail is I don't have to wrap them as the kids are excited about getting their own package & opening it up) but I told her we had to wait 'til daddy got home from work -- a bit disappointed, til Christina & B~ got here... Well, daddy finally got home and we did presents & cupcakes (which I couldn't find my camera for so Christina took those pics with her camera & I don't have them yet) then we headed back for the splash pad. I tell you, every child under 12 in all of Knox county had a birthday that day and had to take a picnic to the splash pad to celebrate... Well, the pics are fairly similar to the ones from L~'s birthday except that B~ came with ... So I asked F~ at bedtime if she had a good day and she grinned from ear to ear again and nodded, obviously quite pleased at the prospect of being another year older -- I admit that I'm pleased as well. We are blessed!

Birthday Splash

My baby's getting SOOO big!!! Yep, L~ turned 6 yesterday! We were supposed to still be at Mumma's for our summer visit, but D~ was out of leave soooo we did a small celebration Sunday with the grands & aunt/uncle then came home.

We didn't have anything planned for here (since we weren't supposed to be here) so we packed everyone into the van with some towels & swimwear and headed to the splash pad down on Northshore...

The twins had a blast!

They were so funny in their little swim diapers stomping about like they owned the place...

F~ was running from one water toy to the next... she'd stop and play with her sister's for a bit, then continue on -- she requires much attention -- but she had fun!

Chris & Sonja brought Sadie & Biscuit out for the fun... but they refused to partake of a cupcake...

Sonja even got out there and played dump the bucket with A~... A~ won!

And of course, the birthday girl had a good time... She liked the dolphin rings the best!

Afterwards Sonja & I hit Jo Ann's to find fabric for new mini-style costumes by Angie for our photo shoot with Shannon Kelley Photography Sunday evening... we found this funky lime with black polka dots while Sonja was talking to Angie which Sonja made fun of... we left with it! Life is funny!

I got home to discover Dayton hadn't given L~ her last present. Bless her heart, she was asleep so I woke her up and brought her downstairs to the couch to give it to her...

I think she likes it -- she's been playing with it all day!!!

Summertime!

And I've planted a few herbs, a few tomatoes, and 2 squash plants... I am SOOO late on my garden! I still haven't planted any cucumber, zucchini or eggplant much less gotten in my spaghetti squash! So sad! I did get a good crop of kale ealier (before we started hitting the 80 degree temps -- it's cool weather producer like lettuce) but that has shrivelled up in the heat; I moved that earth box into my kitchen to see if I can save the plants and I think I'm starting to see a bit of new growh (do I hear Angie cheering.) I picked a handful of blueberries of our blueberry bush yesterday and all the kids loved the few they had (I had two and they were very sweet.) Also my 1 1/2 year plum tree has plums -- a plum tree usually doesn't produce until 3 years or so! I'm hopeful that it signifies a full crop next year (and yes, my raw friend, I'll share those as well.) So summer's in full swing and I've got to get the rest of my garden in... it's a good thing we have a long season here!!!

I LUVVV planting spring flowers!!! My hubby finally mowed the lawn last night (mind you, he worked 'til after 7 then still came home and mowed) so today L~ and I will go plant the flowers we bought last weekend (my little 5yr old has such the green thumb.) This year we got petunias (cuz I always buy at least a hanging basket of them) and snapdragons (cuz it's been several years since we've done them) and a decorative planter of double impatiens and a container garden... I also always get a couple perinnials so L~ picked out a clematis and creeping sedum. Then, of course, there were the herbs and a couple tomatoe plants (romas were gone -- boo) and seeds (which we'll start inside tomorrow when it's raining.) I also found 2 of the specialty azeala bush to match the one from last year -- yeah! I love spring!!! Hopefully I will find my camera soon so I can put up a few pics of our labor...
On another note I finally mastered the behind the back hoop grab, bring over-head and back down... I've gotta do the back down kinda fast so the hoop doesn't get caught -- but I'm working toward this weekend!

Dear daughter's great day

My oldest got home today all excited and telling me about her wonderful day at school... she uses 'share time' to sing for her class anytime her turn comes around. Well today, she sang "look at me" from Mulan and her teacher had her go down to the office to sing for the principal -- who was away on a field trip, so she sang for the assistant principal and the secretary. Then the assistant principal had her go sing for the music teacher and the coach came as well. The music room was occupied by one of the fifth grade classes (A~ is in 2nd) so she sang for everyone and was met with applause all around. On the bus ride home many of the riders had heard about her musicality and requested she sing then as well -- which, of course, she did. She then told me about the compliment she recieved that was the most special to her... it seems one little boy who rides the bus was at the show on Saturday and heard me sing the blessing -- he told her "Wow, you have your mom's voice!" She absolutely glowed as she told me about her day... and I may have sparkled a bit also. It doesn't get any better than your daughter telling you she's glad to be like you! Even if she just wants to sound like you... I guess it was a pretty good day for Mommy too!

Show's Over!!!

And from the feedback I've gotten it was a huge success -- we sold out of tickets and had to stop selling about 10 minutes 'til showtime... I did feel that we were better prepared for this show than we have ever been before, of course, we've been working toward it since last fall. My favorite part of the evening, not surprisingly, was getting to sing the blessing at the beginning of the show. Be Thou My Vision is my all-time favorite hymn and to get to do it acapella in my Celtic cloak was awesome!!! Sonja's husband Chris took this picture of the Duel.

We've been ending up in different positions every time we rehearsed for the last 2 weeks but with the poses I think it worked out nicely; made for a very artistic photo -- I'll likely blow it up to use as art in my house somewhere.

My brain is saturated from the classes this weekend -- I LUUUVVV Virginia! She kicks my rear and keeps me coming back for more! It's a sickness in that way this dance addiction of ours -- but at least the denim cartel isn't after me...

I'll be glad...

...when the show is over and I can revel in some free time again but as it's still over a week away (gonna be the week from he**)



I thought I'd just upload a few photos from my daughter's kindergarten music program yesterday...

She the one in the dress toward the left of the stage (right above blue-shirt ladie's head.) She is normally sooo bashful that I as worried she wouldn't go thru' with it but she did! The lighting was horrid so getting a good pic was impossible! This was the best shot I got until after the performance when I got her and S~ to pose together for me...

Here they are -- a bit of an item and have been all year... he is actually quite the gentleman so I can't be too upset... he had a birthday on Wednesday and is having a party tomorrow that we'll just have to attend. *Sigh* my babie's already found her soul-mate -- they have already promised to marry each other when they're grown... heartbreak for the mommy.