"I've made a lot of sacrifices, a lot of hard choices; for honor, for King, for country. You wanna know what I've learned, boy? Hard choices and sacrifices do not keep you warm at night. Life is too damn short and too damn long to go through without someone at your side. Don't end up like me. Choose the woman. Fight for love, D'Artagnan. France will take care of itself."  ~Athos (The Three Musketeers) 

Perhaps it is because I have never been chosen that I love this line...  Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on being truly loved -- I can only be who I am, after all.  I merely confess that it hasn't happened thus far. Still, in my inner-most self it is my most sacred desire. I believe in love. I still hold out hope that it will find me. But it is love that I believe in... not it's self-serving imitations.  Love is not distraction, it is fortitude. Love does not weaken but empowers & shields. Love is the only thing in this world worth the effort of living & I will not give up because I've been wounded a time or two in my search for it. After all, little worth having comes easy...

Song~

I love transcendent things...

Sunrise/sunset has always mystified me.  It's so temporal, never lasting for more than a few minutes, yet it is infinite & transcendant...  They are precise opposites...  yet, they are practically identical and perfectly matched...  An obvious paradox in all ways... except... not...


I love the way a sunrise/sunset pulls me out of myself and forces me to face how small and insignificant I really am in the end and still draws me in and includes me in its magnificence... 

To be a woman...

You know, we're really not THAT complicated.  Underneath it all what a girl really wants is to know that she is all the woman her man ever needs or wants -- that her man values her & realizes he is not, in fact, better off alone or with another.

The creation story in Genesis says that God looked upon Adam & said "It is not good that man should be alone." <~~ SEE!  Right there, it is not good to be alone...  So He formed woman from Adam's rib to be a help-meet as one that walks with him & stands by his side.  That is how it was intended.  Neither of them of them standing on the other & neither of them hiding behind the other but standing side by side!

I take particular notice of the function of a rib -- cuz, I'm just symbolic enough to find it significant that the creation story says woman started as a rib, not as an arm or foot or finger.

Any decent A&P student will tell you that structure follows function.  It is often mentioned at marriage seminars & such that ribs are close to the heart of man.  This is true but it is so because of the particular function of a rib.  A rib PROTECTS the heart of man, it's proximity to the heart is necessary to perform it's function.  Further, it forms the shape needed for respiration & allows the lungs to expand & contract for breath all WHILE protecting vital organs.  THIS is what a woman began as...  this is what we are meant to be...  and, I find it significant that, when forming woman, God left 12 ribs inside Adams chest & removed only 1 that gets to walk by his side.

Sing...

Ok, so I confess it...  I've been feeling a little sorry for myself the past little bit.  I look around me & wonder when this cloak of invisibility landed on my shoulders & why I can't take it off.  Understand, I don't care what strangers think of me; but I care a great deal about what the people that matter to me think of me... I want them to see me & I want to matter to them.  This is not unique.  Many are exactly the same.  The rest are the opposite of that; they care about what strangers think & disregard the people they claim to care for.  But I get off track...  The point is that I want to matter to the people I care about & I rarely feel that I do.

But more than I want to be seen -- way more than I want to be seen -- I want to be heard.  I remember even when I was very small saying a thing to someone only to have them hear something completely contrary to the thing I said or the intent with which I said it.  Even in written form when there is definitive proof of what was said  strangers & soul-mates alike perceive the opposite meaning.  It has been a puzzlement that has plagued me and forced me to become painfully forthright & articulate & still it continues to happen.

It would be easy to fall into a pattern of hopelessness & just give up at trying to connect & communicate with others... but, well, it is simply not within me to give up.  So I continue in what has become my habit of forthright & articulate then I cry when I am still misunderstood because I have no control over another's perception & the alternative is silence & invisibility.

This past Friday morning I was trying to get my van out of a quagmire that used to be part of my driveway & I was letting loose on Yahweh, and I do mean I was letting Him have it!  Not about the van, oh, no, I had gotten WAAAAAAY past that & as is often His way He simply listened to me rant until He finally wearied of it & spoke; it was quiet but firm...  "Sing"

Ha!  Sing?!  Really?!  I've been singing for as long as I can remember.  It hasn't made a difference & I haven't even sought out a venue since my divorce was finalized over a year ago & at this point my practice time has become practically non-existent.

"Sing"

Why?  I don't feel like it!  I feel small & impotent & invisible & I'm angry!

"Sing"

FINE!  I don't even remember what I sang, I just did...  but you can bet it was no praise song!  I raged.  Then He yelled back "There you are Rachel.  There is your voice that you have been yelling at me over.  You are never invisible & never ignored & very rarely misunderstood when you sing.  THIS is your voice!  THIS is your connection!  THIS is your power!"

Understand something; I have always known I become transparent when I sing.  I can act & dance & perform like I was born on a stage... but there is none of that when I sing, there is simply me -- laid bare.  Even still, I didn't realized that the very thing that makes me transparent also strips the cloak of invisibility from me & makes me truly heard.  But I turn around to look & in retrospect I know it to be true.

So, just like that it seems the tools of empowerment are within my grasp again...  still...