Intercession

So, here I am, pushing 40, suddenly single, raising 5 children, back in school with the help of my mom & sisters...  completely starting over in life...  It breeds more than a small amount of introspection.  I start to examine patterns: not mine only but those of the people with whom I surround myself.  I refuse to regret the woman I have become, I like her... she's strong & determined but refuses to become hard-hearted; still, there is much hurt & disappointment in my story...  I must examine it...

I choose people.  When I make a friend it is an active, conscious decision.  As I gaze back on the people I have chosen I can't help but notice a very sharp lack of presence.  The first thing I do, obviously, is try to remember what happened.  Why aren't the people that I chose & stood by & often even carried through very difficult seasons in their own lives starkly absent from mine now?  The most prevalent answer is that we simply lost touch.  Life changes & evolves, distance makes getting together problematic, it happens & people that were once daily fixtures simply aren't anymore.  But that is not the only reason: there are those that chose to walk away... more than I could have ever guessed in the season of our friendships.

You have to understand, I am a giver.  Not in the typical oh-this-made-me-think-of-you-so-I-got-it-for-you way although that happens.  But in the you-are-having-a-hard-time-so-I'll-see-you-through-it kind of way.  This usually manifests itself in emotional support of one type or another and I've been accused of being an enabler more than once as usually I am standing against small-mindedness or judgement.  You see, I was the runt on the playground that saw the 1 kid out there getting picked on & planted myself between the bully & the victim, even if I didn't know either party.  This meant I often was bullied & ridiculed myself.  Honestly, it never bothered me as long as I was taking it on someone else's behalf, that said, I can not say I've ever been good at standing up for myself... but that is another subject entirely...

Where was I?

Oh, yes... giver... anti-judge... emotional support...  What I choose in my relationships is to stand in the gap...  I choose this not to be a martyr but because I believe people have value & deserve to be genuinely cared about.  I believe the people I care about to be worth fighting for even if it means I take a stand in the midst of my peers or those bigger than I.  I find this so compelling that I have never been able to choose not to do it... I see someone hurting & something inside me is moved & I can feel what they must be feeling.  This is not weakness.  I have come to embrace my empathatic nature as my most ardent strength.

I am also a peace-maker.  Not only amongst my friends but when someone takes issue with me.  I have always been the one to seek out reconciliation, even if I was not at fault, because I absolutely believe people are worth fighting for...  I have never found it difficult to say I am sorry if I at fault nor do I hesitate to try to find common ground when I am not.  Either way, I've always been one to try to find a way to mend a severed friendship.  Remember, I chose my friendships by an active, conscious decision.

Yet, I stand alone now... why?  I have been examining the power of my own name...  I have not gotten off-topic...